James Harden is just getting started and plans to make things more uncomfortable for Philadelphia, per @ramonashelburne
“Somebody said to me yesterday, ‘This is only the beginning. This is just the beginning of what James Harden is going to do to make life very uncomfortable… pic.twitter.com/yXDX16XRLr
— NBACentral (@TheDunkCentral) August 15, 2023
I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a bit of a fledgling NBA fan. I’m the furthest thing from an expert on the league but I respect and enjoy it for the elite product that it is. I adored the NBA in the mid 90’s, but somewhere along the way, my fandom slipped. That is, until the past 5 or so seasons. Eventually, I realized that I was fortunate enough as a kid to enjoy Jordan in his prime as well as Lebron/Steph/etc. at their respective peaks, so I’d be remiss if I just ignored them while they’re still ongoing.
- First, as I’ve aged and my performances in church league basketball have gotten progressively shittier, I appreciate the sheer ridiculousness of how undeniably good NBA players are. Even on shit teams nowhere near playoff contention, there are some of the best players in the world on display. I know it’s an oversimplification, but NBA players are just flat-out good at basketball and I like watching them.
- Second, and more importantly, are the seemingly unending NBA storylines and the drama that accompanies them. What book has Lebron started and has he made it past the foreword? Has Draymond punched anyone else at practice yet? Which Jenner/Kardashian is Ben Simmons dating? Will Ben Simmons actually play next season? Is Nikola Jokic still celebrating by riding horses in Serbia (a resounding yes)? How many hole-in-ones has Steph Curry made? Will Victor Wembanyama be good? There’s always something happening to analyze and consume. So far, this off-season is no exception and continues to deliver the goods.
Enter: James Harden 😈
James Harden: “Daryl Morey is a liar and I will never be a part of an organization that he’s a part of. Let me say that again: Daryl Morey is a liar and I will never be a part of an organization that he’s a part of.” pic.twitter.com/AmHJ0WwbF2
— Shams Charania (@ShamsCharania) August 14, 2023
I’m not sure what time zone China is in, but Harden is 110% on Demon Time. Calling out the president of the team you just opted into a contract for the upcoming season with is a wild move, but James Harden might just be a wild guy. They agreed that Harden would be traded but then the 76ers got cold feet and wanted to run it back. It makes enough sense to give it another go with Harden and Embiid in the mix – they were painfully close last year and this combo can theoretically get them a championship, but Harden wants a trade. The waters are muddied and he’s essentially being held against his will after he was bamboozled into picking up his player option for 2023-2024. Now he’s turning the tables. He made his disdain for Morey very clear during this appearance in China, undoubtedly throwing the first punch in what promises to be a delicious contract dispute. In case he wasn’t straightforward enough the first time, he repeated it to drive the message home and make sure the reporters got every word of it. Expect a lengthy standoff heading into camp and I’m salivating at the thought of some NBA petty mental warfare.
This is where I come in.
As a fan of the game with no allegiance to any one team or player, I thought it might be good to offer up my services to James. He’s vowed to make things so uncomfortable for the 76ers that they’re forced to trade him, and I intend to help him on that journey. Here are a few ways I think he could do that:
- Farts – Eat the gassiest food possible and fart your way out of all team responsibilities. Show up and be present and accounted for, but fart to the point where everyone is so fed up they have no other option but to trade you. Team meeting? Farts. Fart while the coach is talking. Fart at inappropriate times. And not the funny kind, either. The unrelenting, annoying kind. The problematic kind. To the point where the room is so rotten that nobody can concentrate. Practice? Fart all over everyone there, too. Fart until the gym stinks. What’s more uncomfortable than smelling someone else’s noxious ass wind? Team travel? Farts on a plane. The ultimate, enclosed space to drop butt-bombs. You’d likely have to increase your fiber intake and eat a ton of dairy, but I believe in you. Throw in some fizzy sodas and you’ll be churning ’em out in no time. Speaking of sodas…
- Fatness – You’ve previously gotten kinda fat.
I propose you get REAL fat. Take it to the limit this time around, show them you mean business, gain 100 pounds and become a full-fledged slob. Alter the diet and purposely eat like pure shit. Stop drinking water and transition strictly to soda. No way you can perform at 300+ pounds, it’s the perfect crime. Imagine the looks on their faces. Stick it to the man by becoming obese. What’s the worst that could happen, your pancreas tells you to fuck off and you get Type II diabetes? Big whoop. Pro Tip: they can’t fire you for being diabetic. Ever heard of wrongful termination?
- Fireworks – Hang with me on this one. It’s a little extreme but it could work. This option involves accidentally blowing all your fingers into smithereens with pyrotechnics and mangling your hand beyond recognition. Don’t worry, I have a plan.
You can’t shoot a basketball without fingers, or so I’m told. Not to mention if they terminate your contract because of an unfortunate fireworks accident that you had no control over, there’s another nice legal opportunity to wring them out even more. When the dust settles and you win your lawsuit, enough money’s been made to fit you with a nice little prosthetic hand and you’ve accomplished your goal. It’s simple!
- Nudity – Refuse to wear a single stitch of clothing. Everyone says if you’re ever uncomfortable to imagine everyone else around you naked, so we’re just gonna flip that. Act like everyone else is weird for wearing clothes. Just say it’s part of a new self-expression and they’re technically not allowed to say anything. Going whole hog, full sack, and bare cheeks will take some dedication but it’s a guarantee to make everyone around you moderately uncomfortable, especially during practice. Who wants to play defense when you’re naked, backing down a defender with your sweaty ass pressing up against them? Piggyback this with Options 1 and 2 for a filthy trifecta that’s sure to force the front office into submission.
- Rumors – Even if they’re not true, you could start putting out nasty rumors. It worked in middle school, it’ll definitely work now. Start a rumor that Daryl Morey eats human meat in the team facility. Then you’ve got a facility raid/league investigation and you’ve expertly hidden your tracks so they’ll never know you’re involved. Even if it does come back on you, if you say “rumor has it…” you can’t be punished and you can always say you heard it from someone else. The focus is now squarely on boss hog Daryl Morey, who drives his Dodge Viper to work every day and purportedly lies to his players about trades. He’ll then have to defend himself against wild accusations and this will make him very uncomfortable because he presumably does NOT have cannibalistic tendencies.
- Physical Domination – Challenge Daryl Morey to a “trade or stay” cage match. Consult with experts Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg to best structure it and generate buzz. Live broadcast it with any proceeds going to charity. The winner gets to decide what happens for 2023-2024 and unless Morey is a closet blackbelt or some sort of grappling savant, this should be no problem for you. Plus, if he says no then you can say that he’s a despicable man that hates charity.
- Hygiene – Stop showering or washing altogether. Stop wiping. Don’t brush your teeth. Break the Guinness World Record for longest fingernails. Just abandon all cleanliness and become a horrible, disgusting wretch. Again, this is best deployed alongside Options 1, 2, and 4 and you’re sure to get shipped somewhere else. Once you get traded you can resume your normal diet and exercise (with your new robotic hand, if you go with Option 3) and continue balling out for a different team because in the end, ball is life.
