We don’t just do sports stuff here at Fantasy Football Boys, we also do fashion. Anything from the ESPYs red carpet to runway analysis and anything else we deem worthy, we gotcha covered.
Not all fashion shows are in dingy warehouses featuring starved models with rail-thin legs angrily stomping down a narrow path wearing trash bags to nightmarish house music turned up to max volume. No, some nights the celebs come down from their hillside mansions into the real world and we get to see a more sophisticated side of style. It’s the Oscars, baby. An all-you-can-eat night of splendor and grandeur with the brightest stars Hollywood has to offer. For a fashionista, there’s nothing better. Take a look at some of these movie stars wearing fabulous clothing.
VERY GOOD: Margot Robbie
We’re setting the bar high here as we have the New Queen of Hollywood wearing what appears to be snakeskin cut straight from a pair of Jett Puckett’s Luchesse boots.
This slithery, scaled gown is easily one of my favorite looks of the night and I’d happily rent a stretch Hummer to take her to Goth Prom.
Grade: A
NOT GREAT BUT NOT THE WORST OF ALL TIME: Billie Eilish
Last night’s Oscars fit wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen from Billie Eilish. She tends to try and be super edgy with her Red Carpet choices, so I’ll just say this is a step in the right direction from “XXXL Hogwarts Robes”, her Golden Globes look:
She’s a good musician and artist that’s dominating the industry by the age of 22, so I can turn a blind eye to the occasional questionable fashion decision for now.
Grade: C-
RETRO SEX: Bradley Cooper
Safe to say that bellbottoms are officially back. I hate his jacket and the buttons more than anything, but overall this is a fine look. Love seeing him bring his Meemaw along to the party as a little arm candy, and above all else he seems like a cool cat that I’d do beers with.
Grade: A-
METAL MAUI: Dwayne Johnson
Dwayne refers to his home gym as the “Iron Paradise”, and he’s taking that term to a whole new level with this silky mess. I’m sure this suit cost more than my house and, for whatever reason, I trust the Rock with my life so he gets somewhat of a pass.
Grade: C+
RETRO SEX PT. 2 – Robert Downey Jr.
Told ya. Bellbottoms are back. Why go in any other direction if you’ve got this all-black look in the bag? RDJ is aging in reverse, and is that a bolo tie I see peeking through there?
Grade: A+
BIG TUNA: Jon Krasinski
Jon Krasinski is a good actor. Thank God, because he could’ve been one of those guys like Screech or Urkel that never graduated from their first roles to do anything else. I like him a lot and he’s so much more than Jim Halpert, but this suit stinks. You’d think by now that rich people could have pants that are resistant to wrinkling. If Dockers can do it, so can Dolce and Gabbana. And unless my eyes are playing tricks on me, these pants don’t match the coat. The bowtie also looks like a different color to me. Maybe I have shit eyes, but this whole thing is just aesthetically displeasing, even if he does look handsome in it. Sorry, Jim.
Grade: C+
ENGULFED IN A SEA COTTON CANDY: Ariana Grande
It looks like a big pillow-top mattress cover was repurposed and safety-pinned around her waste, dragging the floor. It’s like if Krang had sex with the original flavor Big League Chew and they had a pink, amorphous nightmare child. A big, bubble-gum themed monstrosity, if you ask me.
When she got to her assigned seat at the awards ceremony, what happened to this gargantuan piece of fabric? Because there’s no chance in hell she could fit all that into one spot.
Grade: D+
UNCOMFORTABLY RELAXED: Annette Bening
Look, it’s the Oscars. I think it’s a silly gathering in some ways but if you’re invited and you decide to go, at least try. This pantsuit-kimono hybrid looks more like pajamas and I wouldn’t wear this to pick up coffee much less to a place where there’s gonna be 10,000 cameras.
Grade: F
ELITE ACCESSORY: Takashi Yamazaki
Yeah, it’s just a basic black tux, but this is more about the accessories. Namely, the golden Godzilla wearing a bowtie, and the custom Godzilla shoes for his crew.
This guy wrote and directed ‘Godzilla Minus One’ and it ended up winning the only Oscar is was nominated for, Best Visual Effects. This pretty much rules considering it was a lower-than-normal budget film and they walked out with some hardware. Their outfits were cool and the custom kicks were a hit!
Grade: A
MEH: Florence Pugh
I mean, it’s not horrible I guess? I know she’s the hottest thing going right now, especially coming off the success of ‘Dune’, but the dragonfly regalia midsection piece is distracting. As a fashion expert, I’ve seen better!
Grade: C+
DEATH BY LAPELS: Dwyane Wade
This jacket looks dumb and I’m officially declaring these lapels “too gaudy”. They’re just too much, and the ensemble would’ve looked better if they weren’t hogging all the attention.
PERFECTION: Roger Federer and Ryan Gosling
Roger Federer looks incredible, all the way from his Oliver Peoples sunglasses to the immaculately tailored suit and shined up shoes.
The only problem I have is that Ryan Gosling is too hot. My wife always seems to have some hurtful comment about how handsome and cool he is, and all I can do is agree with her, damn it. It’s really demeaning for her to say that in my presence when I’ll almost definitely never be as hot or cool as him. STOP BEING SO SEXY, RYAN.
Grade: A++